Nine years ago, I left Delhi with a one way ticket to Berlin. At the time, I was chasing what I believed was freedom. I wanted more independence, a bigger life, and a stronger version of myself. I was ambitious, focused on building a career, and determined to prove that I could succeed on my own.
But somewhere along the way, I lost touch with myself. I became consumed with becoming someone who looked good on paper. A solid job, a new country, a polished version of me that sounded impressive but felt incomplete. Then came a moment I didn’t expect. I was sitting in a therapy session during a low point in my life. My therapist asked me to introduce myself.
I replied “I’m Sonal. I work at abc company as a product manager.” She looked at me gently and asked “But who is Sonal, what is she like?”
I had no answer. The question stayed with me. I began to realize that I had forgotten who I was outside of work. The 10 year old me had more curiosity, more hobbies, and a stronger sense of self than the adult that I had become. That thought made me pause. It made me sad.
As a child, I looked up to my father. He worked tirelessly to provide for our family, and like many daughters, I saw him as my hero. I wanted to be like him. At the same time, I didn’t want to be like my mother. She was a housewife, and I often saw how little respect she got for all the effort she put into our lives. Without realizing it, I had decided I would grow up differently.
Last year, I lost my mother. I had been living away from home for years, and I still carry the regret of not spending more time with her. Since she passed, I find myself thinking about her all the time. I remember her smile, her energy, her kindness. She was more social and lively than anyone I have ever known. She would strike up conversations with strangers, bring her positive energy everywhere, and was deeply admired by everyone around her. As a gown up, I see her differently. I see her strength, her courage, and her quiet leadership. Her spirit is a part of me. These days, I find myself drawn to spirituality. I read about the Hindu faith to feel closer to her.
My mother sent me a goodmorning and a goodnight message every single day since I moved away. And there were many days when I didn’t reply. Her love was unconditional and infinite. She had so much love to give. I wonder where it came from. What was her source?
I do not have the answer yet. But I have started searching for mine.
This blog is part of that search. It is a space for reflections, feelings, creativity, work and life in all sorts. A place to express the thoughts I used to keep to myself. I am writing to remember who I am, and to honour who she was.
